


What is past is prologue

by MidgardianNerd



Series: The war who wasn't their [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, M/M, Prince Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 17:11:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12586700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidgardianNerd/pseuds/MidgardianNerd
Summary: "All our best men are laughed at in this nightmare land."_  Jack Kerouac





	What is past is prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [idrilhadhafang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Rise of a Prince](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12228048) by [idrilhadhafang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang), [MidgardianNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidgardianNerd/pseuds/MidgardianNerd). 



> It was time for me to focus a little bit more on Poe.
> 
> (The title is from William Shakespeare)

It was only when just the silence answered to him that Ben realized that he was talking alone for the few last minutes. Finally looking up, the young prince saw his father asleep in the seat next to the candles which were procuring some light in the darkness. The young Solo looked at the face of the older Solo, looking for any sign of a nightmare but his father seemed peaceful for the moment. Even if he was a strong man, one of the strongest Ben knew, his father was also not young anymore and the exhaustion, principally emotional, of the last days had caught up with him.

Ben stood up and joined him in a second before kneeling front of the sleeper. He took the tin cup full of wine and posed it on the floor. Then, he slid an arm around the waist of his father and put his other arm around his shoulder before lifting him up. There was a time when it was his father who were carrying him to put him in bed. Ben always felt safer to go to sleep when it was his father who were wrapping him in blankets and kissing him on his forehead. It was when Ben was young, too young. Too young to understand that the unease he felt everytime it was time to sleep wasn't because of his monsters but because the monsters haunting his father's mind.

Ben lead his father to the bed and he laid him down. Fastly, he took away the brown jacket and he removed his boots. Ben covered the body of his father with two blankets, knowing how cold the nights were and he wasn't risking the health of his father, never and especially now that they were finally dealing with all the faults and misunderstandings which stole to them so many years. Ben understood now why his father spent so many hours at night at his bedside, looking him sleeping. There was something peaceful to watch someone you were loving so much being vulnerable, letting you taking care of him and protecting him. Ben dropped a kiss on his father's forehead, his hand petting lightly the silver hair. He heard a grunt escaping his father's lips and Ben smiled, amused. It finally sounded more like the father he had always known instead of the one spreading his heart for the sake of his son. Ben was loving both of them with his all heart.

 

* * *

 

Ben was walking through the camp, as fastly as he could, the air being particularly cold tonight. He had to take few minutes to get back to his own tent. His father's tent was next to the one of General Holdo, safer with all the guards watching this part of the camp. Ben, from the first day he came to join the war, decided to be among his pairs. He was with all the knights of the Organa kingdom, refusing to be treated differently because of his birth.

Not a lot of people were up tonight. The battle which cost of them so much was still fresh in the bodies and minds of everyone. Some of them were trying to sleep, others were crying their fallen soldiers, other were celebrating their lives after having burried the dead. Ben was just talking with his father, trying to find a sense to all this mess, a valuable reason to so many deaths. Talking with Han helped. And not just only him. It was helping his father too. The shadows in his eyes were weaker than in Ben's memories. Maybe it was what his father needed all this time. Someone to talk. Someone who were understanding what war truly meant. Ben had never could share his dreams with his father but then, he could share his nightmares with him.

Ben was now close to his tent, feeling the warmth of the fires at the center of their tents circle spreading in his cold body. All the tent canvases were closed, the sign that everybody was sleeping. Ben stopped front of Poe's tent, looking for any sound in it but it sounded like the knight ws already deep asleep. Ben felt slightly disturbed to see that Poe was able to sleep without any nightmares coming to him. Was it something which came with experience ? Maybe after so many times on battlefield like Poe, it was simpler to forget all the blood and destruction. Ben was sure he would never be able to forget. He wasn't as strong than Poe.

Ben sighed. It wasn't time for his mind to be eaten by new doubts. Not when Ben was finally finding some kind of peace thanks to his father. But then, it looked like Ben's mind was unable to enjoy calmness. Ben entered in his tent, ready to fall head first in his bed, the exhaustion getting the best of him.

 

* * *

 

In fact, Ben wasn't able to go to bed as soon as he wanted. He still needed to change the bandage around his shoulder and his chest. Ben refused to have the physician doing it for him anymore and Han did it for him in the days following the battle, Ben being too weak to do it himself. But now that he was gaining his strength back, Ben made a point to be the only one witnessing this ugly wound marking him for life.

Ben was now shirtless, front of a mirror. He didn't want to know how Thomas, with the help of Jessika Pava, managed to find a mirror in the camp but he felt grateful. It was more than helpful. After having cleant his wound, Ben began to wrap his upper chest in bandages, the move causing him pain but also the reminder that he was lucky, he was alive when so many of them were not. Ben groaned but his hands were still working on the wound spread on his chest. He needed this pain, he needed to suffer, he needed to pay some tribute to the ones who died.

Ben let out a muffled scream, his hands finally leaving his body and he gripped the table front of him, his knuckles becoming white and the sweat on his forehead falling in his eyes. Ben was still bitting his lower lip to not waking up everyone when he heard another scream which wasn't from him. Ben opened his eyes in a second, already grabbing the dagger Poe offered to him, ready to face the threat flooding through the camp. Ben went to the entry of his tent, spreading open the pieces of canvas. And he got confused.

Nobody was running. Nobody was screaming. Nobody was fighting. There was nobody out there. Ben still hid in the entry while he was trying to figure out what had just happen. He heard a scream, he was sure of that. But was he really ? Maybe it was just in his mind. Maybe his mind wasn't strong enough. Maybe his mind was haunting him like for his father all these years? Maybe the war was winning and already claiming Ben in its kingdom of madness. Maybe Ben was already lost.

But then he heard it again. Another scream. Someone in distress. Someone burried in its own fear who was trying to find help. Someone calling for him. For Ben. Someone he recognized the voice. Without thinking, Ben ran into the tent next to his own.

 

* * *

 

_There are bodies all around him, trying to burry him under too much flesh, too much blood. There are screams all around him. Dead. So many of them already at his feet. Fire. Blood. Chaos._

 

_He lifts his sword above his head. He feels his muscles already screaming in pain. He lets his sword going down. Right in the head of an enemy. The blood splashes on his face, the taste of death in his mouth._

 

_Swords against swords. Screams of pain. Fire. Blood. Chaos._

 

_He looks around him. He tries to find him. Where is he ? Where is his shadow ? He looks around again. There are so many fighters. How could he find him there ? How could he protect him when so many others need protection too ? How could he protect him ? He needs to protect him._

 

_He hears a scream. He recognizes the voice. He looks around. He sees him. He sees the blood on his face. Too much blood. He sees the fear in his eyes. Already too broken. He screams his name. But only the darkness answers to him._

 

* * *

 

He felt someone shaking him. He heard someone calling him. He felt a warm hand on his arm and a body close to him. Poe woke up in a jolt, grabbed the dagger under his pillow, aiming to kill.

Two hands stopped the dagger at few inches of a naked chest, the blade scratching lightly the pale skin, sheding blood he promised to protect. Poe still haunted gaze encountered the shocked eyes of his prince, both of their erratic breaths filling the silent room, rising up their chests and sinking a little bit deeper the dagger in Ben's chest.

Poe felt nausea stuck in his throat, the awful sight of being the one threatening his prince made him colder than any winter nights had even done. Poe threw away the dagger and put his hands on Ben's chest, trying to swip away the blood he had made sunk.

 

« No. Please no. » cried Poe, frantic, looking around for a piece of cloth.

« Poe. » whispered Ben.

 

But Poe was not listening to him, still in the panic of his nightmare and the dreadful thought he was a threat for his prince when he promised to protect him. Strong hands stopped his own hands. And Poe let out a sob, his emotions finally overwhelming him. The knight posed his forehead against the chest before him and his tears fell on his cheeks.

Poe felt muscular arms wrapping around his back awkwardly, bringing him closer to the strong body and Poe snuggled against him. Poe tried to swallow his tears. He needed to be strong. He needed to be strong for his prince, for Ben. He couldn't be weak. He needed to be strong to protect Ben. To not fail again like he failed him the first time. Like he failed him again and again.

 

« You're safe. » whispered the deep voice of his prince above him and Poe felt himself relaxing. He could believe that. He could believe Ben. He could trust him. He already did.

« I'm sorry. » said Poe, his ear against Ben's heart, like a reminder than even if he failed, Ben managed to survive, alone, without anybody to save him. In fact, he has been the one saving all of them. Poe couldn't even imagine how many deaths there would have been more if their prince hadn't use his magic.

 

Poe fetl the hand in his hair stopping.

 

« You have no reason to be sorry Poe. »

 

Poe finally looked up and his eyes were caught by his prince's intense brown eyes. The knight felt lost in their depth, felt this beautiful glaze pinning him down and scanning him for a look at his soul. Poe raised up his hand, the end of his fingers stroking tenderly the scar on Ben's face and the other man closed his eyes, flinching under the affection for a so ugly part of him.

 

« To have failed you. » answered Poe, looking down.

 

Poe felt Ben's hands coming on his shoulders and his both thumbs drawing the shapes of Poe's collarbones. He couldn't help to shiver.

 

« You didn't fail me Poe. » said Ben, searching for Poe's eyes. « You can't protect everybody on the battlefield.

« I know. But I have to protect you. » groaned Poe, annoyed a little bit at his own weakness.

« No you don't have. » answered Ben, in a cold voice. « I'm not a child. »

« That's not like that Ben and you know it. »

« So what it is Poe ? What I and not anybody else ? » asked Ben, a little bit too harsh.

« Because you're important. » screamed Poe.

« Cause I'm the heir of the kingdom ? » asked bitterly the taller man.

« Because you matter to me. » answered Poe, angry. « I know I promised you to bring you back to your father but there, I'm just selfish. I want you to survive because I don't want to suffer. Because like your father, I don't want war to win and to take you from me. So yes, I'm not perfect. I'm not the perfect Sir Dameron that your mother likes to show off around the court. » said Poe, finally out of breath.

 

He refused to look up at Ben, to see him being disgusted front of Poe's weakness.

 

« And I'm grateful for that. » whispered Ben, his hand sliding on Poe's cheek.

« What ? »

 

Ben saw Poe finally looking at him and he felt his heart suffering. All these years. All these years thinking that Poe was this one-dimensional knight, shining in glory and praise, being the golden boy of Queen Organa. Ben was so wrong. He judged a picture. And now, under his eyes, he was discovering a man, with his fears, his doubts, his dreams. Front of him, he saw Poe Dameron for the first time.

 

« You're human. » said Ben, sweeping away a tear ready to fall from Poe's eyelashes. « I began to doubt it. » he added with a mischievious smile.

 

Poe looked dazed at his prince, feeling his cheeks already burning. Ben was teasing him. Like friends. It was the first time and Poe was already praying for it being the first of a thousand of other times.

 

 

« You don't need to be perfect Poe. I never asked you to be. » said Ben, looking more serious. « In fact, my life would have been easier if you weren't so perfect all the time. » he added, again with an amused smile.

 

Poe looked down again, feeling ashamed to have been the cause of so much trouble in Ben's life when he wanted all the reverse.

 

« Don't feel guilty Poe. » claimed Ben, rising up Poe's chin with his hand. « My mother's faults aren't yours. I finally understood that. » confessed Ben, looking away, ashamed to have hold that against Poe for so long.

 

Poe took Ben's face in his both hands, bringing back his eyes on him.

 

« Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. » whispered the knight, caressing Ben's cheekbones. « You had the right to feel like that against me. »

« It was childish. » answered Ben, straight back.

« It was human. » said back Poe, with a weak smile.

 

Poe could saw Ben trying to hold back his smile, and just the corners of his mouth were lifting up.

 

« If we both were acting more like our true selves, we would have been able to be friend. » said Poe, with regrets clear in his voice.

« We can begin now. » whispered Ben, shyly. « If that's not too late for you. »

 

Poe smiled again, his eyes full of tears. More than twenty years had been necessary for them to go there. It was long. Too long. Poe wouldn't wait any longer. Linger on regrets would never done any good. The knight threw his arms around Ben's neck and the other man caught him against his body, surprised. Poe whispered 'thank you' over and over again while pressing his prince against him. He might have been hugging him too much because Ben hissed from pain and Poe took a step back quickly. Ben offered him a apologetic smile, blushing.

 

« Sorry. » they whispered in the same time, then laughed together.

 

Poe frowned when he saw the bandage hanging loosely around Ben's muscular chest. He needed to take care of that. Poe stood with a word and Ben looked at him confusingly. Poe, with a piece of wet cloth came back on the bed and he sat front of Ben, making a sign for him to do the same. Ben obeyed without hesitation, to Poe's absolutely delight.

Ben looked up at him, like a puppy who is trying to figure out if your a friend or a threat, when Poe got on his knees an came closer to him. Poe blushed. He had never been so close to his prince, and never when he was half-naked. He shouldn't be so impressed or aroused. Being a military officier, Poe was used to see men half-naked (or even completely naked) and he was used to intimate contact with other bodies. But it was never a body he dreamt of before, a body he observed for so many long hours during councils or feasts. It was never the body of someone he loved. And never someone he loved so much.

Poe took the end of the bandage on Ben's shoulders and began to undo it. Ben grabbed his hand and looked at him with fear in his eyes.

 

« Trust me ! Please. » whispered the knight, waiting for Ben to give him his approval.

« Poe ! » said Ben, embarrassed. « That's not good-looking. » added the prince, looking down at his own chest, avoiding Poe's kind eyes.

« It doesn't have to be. » answered Poe. « I will not do it if you don't want me to do. » he added, knowing it was important for Ben.

 

The first wound, the first scar was never simple to accept. People who were taking pride in their first battle scars weren't real soldiers. Battle scars were a reminder that you survived the chaos but not without paying the price of it. The physical scar was often the mark of an emotional scar, the end of the world like you had always known it, the farewell to a world which you would never been a part of it anymore. Ben's scar was impressive, up to his experience of the battlefield. And he will never be able to forget it. Where Poe was able to hide his scar, the first one, the one which were still giving him nightmares, Ben will have to wear it on his face until the end of his days. He will hear people whispering about it everyday. He will see it in the mirror everyday. And everyday he will remember what he lost this day.

Ben was shaking, trying to catch up his breath and Poe carressed his shoulders, trying to help him. After a minute, Ben nodded but still avoided to look at Poe. The knight could understood that and he began to take the bandage off Ben's skin. They stayed silent, both feeling highly awkward to be so intimate with each other when still few weeks ago, they were barely having polite conversations. Ben was the most embarrassed. He wasn't used of someone witnessing this body he couldn't stand other than him (or his father from the last few days).

Poe took the new bandage and efficient as ever, began to wrap it around Ben's shoulder. The prince did his best to not look at Poe's face, worried to what he would saw. When Poe clung to him, sliding his arms around Ben's waist to wrap his chest, Ben held his breath. He could felt the warmth of Poe's skin against his cold skin and the contrast made Ben felt dizzy.

Poe made a knot on Ben's heart and it was over. Or it was supposed to be. Because Poe had no reason to rest his hand on Ben's pectoral and to caress it like that, with so much care. And there was no reason for Ben to have his forehead against Poe's and to look straight into Poe's beautiful eyes. And there was no logic way for Poe to come closer to Ben, his thighs almost on Ben's lap. And there was no reason for their lips to be so close.

 

« All done. » whispered Poe, shivering to feel Ben's breath against his mouth.

« Thank you. » answered Ben, swallowing hard, his eyes going down on Poe's lips.

« That's what friends are for. »

 

The little laugh from Ben was better than everything else in Poe's life currently.

 

« I should go. » said Ben after a long moment.

« Yes, of course. » whispered back Poe, looking down with sadness to have Ben leaving him so soon.

« Will you be alright ? » asked Ben.

« Why ? You're offering to watch me in my sleep and to fight away nightmares ? » said Poe with a cheeky smile, in the need to distance himself from the arousal he felt to be simply in Ben's presence.

« That's what I'm doing. » answered Ben, serious.

 

Poe was dumbfounded for few seconds. He wanted it, with all his heart and soul. But his mind was screaming to him to let Ben going away, to let Ben having a good night of sleep in his own bed and not in a too narrow bed for two people, especially with one of Ben's stature. Poe was thinking too much. Heart versus mind. The eternal fight.

When he saw Ben stood up, he didn't think anymore. His heart won. He grabbed Ben's wrist and looked up at him.

 

« Could you...stay with me ? » asked shyly Poe.

 

Ben nodded and Poe got under the blanket. Ben sat on the border of the bed, his back to Poe while he was taking off his boots and the knight looked in wonder all these muscles working under the skin. The huge frame of his prince overwhelmed him, not in a oppressive way but like Poe was untouchable to the oustide world, safe from it. Ben finally slipped under the blanket and Poe could felt his body against his own. The knight decided to take the lead because there wasn't no way that they wil be able to sleep without touching each other. He came closer and put his head against Ben's chest. When his prince hugged him back, with some hesitation, Poe hid a smile in the body front of him and snuggled against it. Before drifting into sleep, he felt a nose buried in his hair and a weak voice whishing him a good night. Poe had not doubt it would be.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr: @midgardiannerd


End file.
